In this dark night of my life, I sometimes wish healing were faster; that I could move on and live a normal life. Not that I don’t miss my brother. I miss him every day. I try to remember what his voice sounds like when he calls me “Sis.” I’m scared I’ll forget. I still wish this never happened. Everyone else’s life hasn’t changed much. And I wish mine were the same.
The other night I was talking with my friend. She told me that this could be a very fruitful period in my life. I said I felt like I was wasting a lot of it. I still think I am. But then she said, it is not like we look at a mango tree and say “Look at that mango grow!” Growth takes time and we don’t see it while it’s happening.
It’s a weird mix of daily life and darkness. Some days are good but the next may be difficult. Maybe its growing accustomed to a suffering that always lies just below the surface. Maybe that’s what the road to sanctity is supposed to be like. A life peacefully and joyfully surrendered to God’s will. A life which has not eradicated suffering; rather it is a life which has elevated suffering. Elevated it so that it is not a cause for bitterness and despair; but a foundation for true joy and beatitude. For we cannot know the light if we have not known the darkness. Jesus’ wounds did not disappear with His resurrection. Instead they made His new life all the more glorious!